24 Days
for that alone it was time.
In 24 days I will turn 40. Over the hill. Middle aged. An age I always viewed with a gasp because it was so… OLD. And here I am. My brain is telling me I’m 18 but my back is saying, yeah no. And my kids are saying, yeah no. And gravity is saying, yeah no.
I thought it would be “fun” to make a list of everything significant that happened in the last decade. Here it is (not in total order and I’m sure with some things missing):
* Got pregnant with second child
* Traveled to Norway and Amsterdam alone
* Moved States and into first house CULTURE SHOCK
* Left my job to become stay at home mom
* Gave birth to second child
* Found a good church and was supported by strangers
* Became severely depressed and anxious
* Became suicidal for multiple years
* Was told I had postpartum depression
* Asked for help and became hospitalized for 3 days
* Spent 6 weeks in IOP
* Was made aware I was a victim of abuse
* Questioned God
* Participated in weekly counseling for most of the decade
* Father in law suddenly died
* Dhrumil changed companies
* Was told my depression isn’t going away
* Tried medication it didn’t work
* Had a miscarriage
* Created life long friendships
* Supported friends through life altering changes
* Gave birth to third child
* Dhrumil changed companies AGAIN
* Played in an orchestra again
* Lost ability to play violin because of panic attacks
* Watched 2 kids go to public school
* Dhrumil lost his job
* Found running
* Ran one straight year
* Ran a 15K
* Injured my knee
* Did PT for 6 months
* Lost running
* Almost lost faith in God
* My first dog died after 14 years
* Got a new dog
* Got a tortoise
* Moved States AGAIN moved into an apartment and then a house CULTURE SHOCK
* Navigated kids starting a new school
* Dhrumil changed companies AGAIN AGAIN
* Bought dream home
* Finally realized I had to choose… me or my mom. Did I want to live!?
* Severed the relationship with my parents and sister
* My beloved grandpa died
* Entered partial hospitalization for 3 weeks
* Started therapy two times a week
* Tried medication it didn’t work AGAIN
* Was made aware I suffered from complex PTSD
* Suffered from immobilizing panic attacks
* Learned how to advocate for my mental health
* Drank a ton
* Tried medication… it finally worked!
* Raised medication
* Was immobilized by the intensity of therapy (and fine I will admit it… drinking)
* Raised medication
* Beloved Uncle died
* A PANDEMIC
* NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE for DAYS
* Navigating school for kids because of the PANDEMIC
* Navigated kids moving schools AGAIN
* Finally asked for help and realized I was an alcoholic
* Entered AA
* Found a sponsor
* Made amazing friends through AA
* Have been sober 4 months!
* Made lovely friends in new state and was again supported by mostly strangers
* Found God (He was always with me) and surrendered
* Found art to use as therapy
* My kids grew and grew and grew
* Fun girlfriend trips
* Amazing family trips
* Made it through with 3 little ones
* Dhrumil stayed by my side
* Dhrumil and I are working on ourselves and our marriage
* Kicked my mom out of my marriage
* Chose Dhrumil over my family of origin
* Started to break the generational cycle of dysfunction
* Learned to view truths about myself and not want to hate myself at the same time
* Learned about all of the survival parts who are so young inside of me
* Learned what true peace and not living in survival feels like
* Found joy
* Wanted to live again
* Never gave up completely
* Reached 15 years of marriage and still choose him!
* Learned about boundaries and how to use them
Ok so props if you read the whole thing. What isn’t on the list? The thousands of moments of JOY which kept me living, moving, breathing. All of the people who stuck with me through this insane turbulence and still love me. And the JOYS of being a mom to three amazing kids.
I’m not going to lie… I feel quite heavy after writing that list. I remember thinking and asking others… if I checked the right boxes life will get easier right? If I just do A, B and C I will finally find happiness? If I play my cards right the depression will disappear? If I learn how to surrender and to accept my situation that is it? I will finally reach Mecca? Please tell me the suffering will not continue. How can I live like this? If I just say no to the dysfunction the grief will dissolve?!
The reality is we live in a broken world filled with broken people. Humanity isn’t perfect and will never be perfect. Happiness… which to me meant waking up every day with a smile that never leaves and life is perfect… is no longer my goal.
COME ON 40! Glad to see you…
By the way… is blogging a telltale sign of old age!?
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